Who am I and what am I doing?!

As I introduced yesterday, this (lunar) month I’m embarking on a quiet journey focusing on sense of self/Self and how I/we get things done.

And of course how that interacts with the other four aspects of: interdependence, other people, freedom from oppression and better planetary futures.

I’ve been asking the question gently in the background of my meditation every morning for the past couple of months - Who am I? Who?

(This has led to my delightful Ordinary Mental Consciousness providing me with two earworms - one from Les Miserables and the other from Muppet Album 2 which involves Zelda and her singing owl. Yes mind, good pattern-finding!)

I thought I’d sit down and write a wild and shaggy list of some of the places I may be looking at over the next month. Feel free to join me in some of them and add others…

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Where is my sense of Self? As in, who am I outside of my random set of personality traits? Outside of trauma responses and the collection of mental/emotional patterns? How do I find her whilst swimming through the waves of despair and fear and gloom that try to keep us lost on this shadowed planet?

What eternal parts of me can serve as a lighthouse in this foggy world?

***

Whose eyes do I view myself through?

Who am I as a friend? And who taught me to be that kind of friend?

Who am I as a partner? A lover? Where did that learning come from?

Who am I as a leader? Who did I learn that from and how much did I decide ‘for myself’?

How do I know the above is true? Is that the kind of friend/partner/lover/leader that it’s right for me to be?

***

What is it like to let go of some of my wantings and think about serving what the world needs?

There is a constant tension between wanting to be fiercely placed in the intensity of the time I have incarnated into and the longing underneath my escape fantasies of either being (a) a wise little baker running Meg’s Place (‘When it’s gone, it’s gone’) (b) a hotel jazz pianist or (c ) the hedge witch living on the edge of town.

***

What does it mean to be living in a time where society says, ‘Put your oxygen mask on before you help others’ and ‘If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?’

***

How does my sense of self affect how I look at interdependence and complexity, and experience it, and navigate through it?

How does my sense of self affect my relationships with others - with people I have a relationship with, with teams, with organisations, with politics, with the human race, with non-human people?

How does my sense of self affect my fighting for and nurturing a present and future free from oppression?

How does my sense of self affect my involvement in better planetary futures?

***

What is it like to be a glorious eternal soul living in the body of a monkey?

***

And how does allll of this express itself fractally in what I get done and how?

A snapshot of me getting things done:

I’m writing this right now on Sunday morning in a Google Meet with a friend I’m growing a lovely new relationship with. Having a witness and travelling partner always helps me.

I spend a lot of my days with one of my besties/siblings either WhatsApping her my list and my progress through it or jumping on Zooms to co-work together. Plus cajoling each other through cooking, cleaning, moving our bodies and getting early bedtimes.

I spend a lot of Monday triaging all of my inboxes, noting the tasks down in my (kind of) bullet journal, then planning what can actually get done this week.

I am VERY affected by how I feel, much as I long to be one of those Productivity 10x Pomodoro 5am Club Just Eat The Frog robots.

I just had a breakthrough with my meditation instructor a few weeks ago, one of the outcomes was finding a way to be… upstream? from my up-until-now omnipresent anxiety.

What that means in my working day is I’m building a muscle that allows me to live from that upstream standpoint, which then means I can ‘get more done’ and be more present.

I have post-its on my wardrobe in my bedroom ( pictured above!) that remind me of the key areas of focus I’ve signed up for in my day job, and the areas that maintain my sense of wellbeing and connectedness and the… chord of notes I want to hold in my non-work life.  

I’m on a 78 day Duolingo Spanish streak, but I haven’t touched my piano in six weeks or finished ONE book for my Read Harder 24 book challenge I signed up for in Jan.

Time! Space! Sleep! Relationships! Food! Duty! Fun! Grief! It’s a lot to balance.

***

Then there are questions like:

How much do I pay attention to the pain of the world as portrayed through the Doom and Panic machines, and how much do I ‘just’ do the work that is given to me to do (and how does that affect my sense of self and how I (think) other people see me)?

Many areas of inquiry.

***

Oooh which leads me to a more meta question:

How do I want to approach this inquiry? How do I keep it linked to who I am/want to be/the world needs me to be and the work I’m doing in the world?

***

Right now I feel a sense of deep quiet and a well of energy to be embarking on this journey.

Join me in a month of asking: Who am I and what am I doing?

(Oh god, that sounds a bit too close to home to how things really feel lol. I’m changing that to be the title of this post!)

Very happy to hear: how you get on, podcasts/writing/tiktoks that made you think, where you’re sharing your investigations.

With love.

Another world is possible.

An invitation

Hi lovely humans

I'm starting a thing tomorrow that will go for six months. I'm happy to do it on my own, but I wonder if you might be drawn to join me in some way - mentally, spiritually, through writing or conversations or art, through themed reading or listening... 

Tomorrow it's the New Moon before the Spring Equinox, where I am anyway. 

I'm starting a practice that will take me through to the New Moon near the Autumn Equinox. 

(I know I'm mixing sun and moon here but ANYTHING in the natural world feels better to me than the awful robotic bloody Gregorian calendar!) 

The other day I was listening to Krista Tippett interview Christiana Figueres, the extraordinary powerhouse behind the 2015 Paris Agreement.

And they were talking, as so many people have, about all that needs to be done by 2030, which when you do a certain kind of maths is VERY soon. 

But I found myself doing a different maths, based on a six month cycle - and there are thirteen of those before the Autumn Equinox in 2030. 

That felt quite spacious. 

You might know I've been thinking about five interlinked aspects of leadership:

  • Self

  • Interdependent world-sense

  • Relationships with others

  • Liberation from oppression

  • Planetary futures

I'm going to spend six (lunar) months placing attention on these aspects - allowing one to come to the forefront in turn each month (with a fallow/void/chaos/exhale month at the end).

I was going to do a big launch and invite you to a community and all that but (a) seed rhythms start quietly and in the dark and (b) wow the past couple of months have been Quite A Thing. 

My sense is if you join me in whatever way feels good and right to you, we could build some kind of heartbeat, vortex, slipstream for the future. 

And I know I know, inevitable collapse and too late and islands of sanity... but also god(s) in everything and allowing the transpersonal and seeking sacredness, taking action and the truth of fractals. Right?

Anyhoo. 

I'ma do it. If you'd like to join me do. If you'd like to tell me you are, great. 

Maybe we can work out some kind of way of connecting and linking what we're doing inside these rhythms, but that's for Future Us. (Hi future us!)  

MUCH love for us living in this time and longing for better.

Another world is possible.

Do you fold your tendrils in at night?

I’ve noticed that I’m doing a new thing at night which is helping me sleep.

My day is full - full of work, full of worry, full of thinking about things that are both in direct influence and definitely out of my direct influence.

Which means, when I tune into it, my energy feels splatted outwards.

Tendrils reaching into all sorts of places, some thousands of miles away, some imaginary, some far far into the future, a few into the past.

I always sit on the edge of my bed anyway to do (what I call in my head) ‘creams and pills’. Then I close my eyes and do a quick repeat of my morning meditation.

What’s new is I’m consciously drawing everything back IN.

Babes, I'm about to sleep.

There’s nothing more for me to do. The day is DONE. It serves no one for my energy to be all out THERE.

So I pull it in. I breathe my edges, my boundaries back in place.

I feel my breath, I feel my body, I ‘allow’ the world to keep on turning whilst I get ready to rest.

It’s (a) quite insightful to see how externalised I allow my day to make me and (b) how… integrated I feel when I’ve done it.

It does not mean I don’t care.

It does, however, mean I’m preserving my energy so I can go again tomorrow.

Why can't we listen better?

Certainty is a bugger.

I mentioned last week about how false certainty about (bad) future timelines only leads (me) to anxiety and freezing, and that remembering I don’t *actually* know what’s going to happen gives me room to breathe.

As a coach, I’m a bloody brilliant listener. I hear patterns, levels, emotions, hesitations, possibilities, the lot. I have literally nothing else going on in my mind but you.

Outside of a coaching session, I’ve been watching what happens when I’m listening to people and, well, it’s often not pretty.

And I think the source of why I might not be truly listening is certainty.

Arrogant certainty.

Certainty that I know the outcome of a conversation.

Yes, I might learn some information, but my attitudes won’t change, my outlook won’t change, my sense of self won’t change.

I just know it.

I think, if I’m wildly honest, that might be rooted in a kind of unconscious disrespect of who I’m talking to, and a sleepy-numb approach to what I think might happen in my day.

A disrespect that nothing you’re going to say is going to really affect me.

And sleepy-numb as in, forgetting the utter freaking miracle of you and me being conscious humans on this tiny blue rock in space. The utter unlikelihood of it all. The fragility of it. The wild complexity of every moment.

And there I sit, basically waiting for my day to unfold exactly how I expect it to.

And for us to have a conversation and have it end and then us both to continue about our totally predictable days.

This? Is no way to live.

The Theory U folks talk about levels of listening.

- Listening which is basically waiting.

- Listening for debate.

- Listening for emotion and connection.

- Listening which allows for transformation.

I’m not saying I’m always Waiting Listening, but I’m rarely Transformation Listening.

I had a badge a while back that said, Today Everything Changes.

I found it a pretty inspiring reminder, for a bit.

But how do I continue to remember?

Do I need to prep for conversations with this in mind?

Do I need to open more to the people in front of me?

Do I need to shift my attitude to humans?

This is (yet) another example of needing reminders of how we stay conscious when the mind is so prone to distraction and overwhelm.

How?

How do we drop into our bodies, into a felt-sense of the world, using that deeper vision that sees beyond immediate appearances?

We don't need to go looking for the utter profound magic of each moment.

But how do we stay open to it?

We're at the mercy of what we can't step back from

Part of why I included so many reminders to ‘tune in’ in my Monday routine plan yesterday (which is called in Google Docs ‘Just Do This’ lol) is that it can be really important to nurture the ability to not get caught inside what’s happening to us.

We are at the mercy of what we can’t step back from.

Remembering my spiritual sources, as it were, allows me to somewhat regain during the day who I am when I’m meditating at the beginning and end of the day.

Another question which really helps me is

****


What is this an example of?


****

I used this today a couple of times in leadership meetings.

Someone came and did a fab presentation about a new initiative. When I noticed it was great, I asked myself, ‘What is this an example of?’

Amongst other things, it was an example of doing ‘upstream’ work which means fewer problems later on. Which, as I type this, is making me think of what we can do in a similar way in the service I manage.

In a different meeting, we discussed our targets and objectives. When I thought about what I was finding hard about this, I realised it was an example of me not being able to find the right level of abstraction, and of us as a group of finding the same levels of abstraction for quite different areas of work.

We somewhat found a way through this by agreeing that we would evaluate if the objective was at the right level by if it felt motivating to us as a stretch.

Asking ‘What is this an example of?’ can help us to see patterns and go up from the specifics to larger categories and lessons. Often this frees us from being lost in the detail to find lessons and freedom to move inside the context that detail exists in.

I find it allows me to breathe freer and, again, remember who I am.

This question is itself an example (SWIDT?) of how we might grow our ability to be bigger than the issues in front of us, and cultivate a more interdependent perspective.

Try it out?

How I start Mondays as a neurosparkly person

How do you start your Mondays?

No matter our work and purpose, the struggle to get stuff done is often a source of shame and pressure. It can be for my neurosparkly brain, anyway.

Below is my Monday plan - when I remember to use it, things actually turn out much smoother.

Offered in the spirit that some of this might spark something useful for you.

*****

Tune in - get quiet/ground/breathe etc.

Convert inbox messages with tasks to mini-projects (what I call tasks as they almost always have several steps hidden inside, sneaky buggers) - email/Teams/whatsapp

(Tune in)

Go through all lists and create post-its (or whatever) of mini-projects with a hard absolute deadline of your last working day this week or before

Sort by absolute hard deadline of today, tomorrow, next day etc

(Tune in)

In addition, choose the one important but not urgent project to focus on and book into Deep Work slot

(Tune in)

See if you’re mentally bouncing off/squinting/clenching/glazing over any of the mini-projects and go deeper into why (still, slow, gentle)

(Tune in)

Choose first mini-project with a deadline and list alllll the tiny steps

(Tune in)

Tune into which tools to use - postits, music/telly/podcast in background, stand/sit, rewards, timer, body double, text accountability…

(Tune in)

Do the steps!

(Tune in)

Choose next mini-project with a deadline (repeat 7-9) then nice-to-get-dones

****

Wish I'd remembered this today. Past Meg knows me well. I should listen to her advice…

Get past climate action freeze

Don’t know about you but I freeze when I think/read about climate collapse. Like, it feels like I stop breathing.

I have a bunch of books and podcasts I could read and I just don’t because the thought of It All panics me.

Probably because (a) I’m trying to do it on my own and (b) I’m not actually doing anything.. Literally nothing. Recycling doesn’t count.

I was thinking this morning about what it might look like if we all had a collective climate project we were part of.

You know how when people meet you they ask, What do you do? (hate that for lots of reasons but it’s true.)

What if you could meet anyone and ask,

What climate project are you part of?

There’s so many ways of being involved.

  • Actual digging/planting/purifying/saving/nurturing/whatever.

  • Lobbying.

  • Direct action.

  • Writing.

  • Website maintenance.

  • Community-building support.

  • Convening.

  • Research.

  • MONEY.

  • Witchcraft.

  • Wayfinding.

  • Cooking for the people doing all of that work.

Some kind of action, WITH OTHERS.

What if we made it just a part of life - that in addition to EVERYTHING else we do, we had a climate project we were part of?

Just musing.

Are you letting yourself be a laughably passive 'ally'?

I went to see a documentary a couple of weeks ago and realised I'd let myself stop at an embarrassingly early stage in my solidarity with intersex people.

The documentary is Every Body, and is based around interviews with three intersex activists - River Gallo, Sean Saifa Wall and Alicia Roth Weigel.

Having known about the I in LGBTQIA+ for a while and having (knowingly) hung out with a couple of intersex people a bit, I'd allowed myself to think of myself as an 'ally'.

I was rudely awakened to how laughably passive my 'allyship' was when I watched a straightforward 90-min documentary and learned a LOT.

I think there's a stage people go through after we find out about a way that people are marginalised/oppressed where we feel generically neutral-to-positive about those people, and if we're not careful, we stay there.

Like friendly cows in a field, watching a train go by.

(I wonder this, by the way, when walking in the Pride parade. Thousands of people turn up to cheer and watch but I don't really know their politics or commitment. Just that if they've come along to stand and watch us walk by they probably don't actively want to kill us -- which is not NOTHING let's be clear. How actually educated they are about the needs of the LGBT+ coalitions, and how much they actually speak out and organise is another matter.)

There's a long distance between passive awareness to active solidarity.

I think a good next step is self-education.

I'm about to embark on a journey of googling, reading/watching lists, articles, books, podcasts so I know more about the perspectives of intersex people, the campaigning and activism that needs support and what's being asked of people who aren't knowingly intersex.

I normally start with searching for "[x] 101", or "[x] reading lists" or "podcasts about [x]", making sure I'm prioritising voices of people who are also marginalised in other ways, so that I'm not just getting a single-issue perspective (very easy to have, particularly if we only listen to white voices.)

I will at no point in these early stages ask any intersex people I know to answer any of my questions. Google, is, especially at this stage, of course, my friend.

If you've come across anyone or any media that should be on my radar, let me know?

Don't let people be the only one in meetings

There was a time I was in a meeting. Everyone else seemed to know what was happening, and I was asking for clarification and it was obvious I was breaking deep taboos.

I literally started doubting my sense of what was being asked of us, as everyone else seemed to not think it was bad (or at least seemed to understand!)

I came out of the meeting really shaken, tears in the stairwell and everything.

It wasn't until a few days later that a colleague forwarded on a news article that said the thing I thought was happening was indeed happening, not just with us but across the sector.

Although it was a terrible phenomenon to read about, I felt the relief in my body to know that I wasn't being stupid or obtuse or naive.

I remember in some facilitation writing I read a while back, one of their major practices was noticing when someone was on their own in expressing a view.

If this happened, as a facilitator they would ask, does anyone else see this this way?

And if no one did, they would find something in their own experience that overlapped in some way with the lone person's.

Their perspective was that having someone isolated was a deep rupture for a group and one of the things that would stop healthy interactions happening.

(I think there's some nuance here about if someone is expressing harmful views, but, maybemaybe even then it's useful to keep someone in a conversation rather than shunning them. MUCH nuance there, but, you know, dynamic tensions

Just because you're on your own, doesn't mean you're wrong.

And sometimes sharing what's happening for you can be enough for someone to get the strength to carry on.

What's a dynamic tension and how does it help us navigate complexity?

One of the transitions adults go through as we grow our lenses on complexity and mess is from certainty to a felt-sense of how… mixed life is.

Feels like we're living in the middle of lots of what I think of as dynamic tensions, within a pressure to create clear, pure rules.

I'm wondering if part of moving through the world in a wiser way is resisting rules and instead living inside those dynamic tensions, where there are no clear ‘right’ choices, only annoying nuance.

How do you handle these?

Here's one I'm… embarrassed? ashamed? of…

I’ve signed up for a paid ‘yoga’ app that is wildly customisable (style, level, session length, amount of instruction, voice), and makes sure over a period of days you've had a good variety of movement. All of which to say, I’m finally actually moving my body once or twice a day.

I'm trying to make it more likely that 70-year-old Meg can move, and I'm working on being more present in my body, after years of chronic dysphoria-led disembodiment.

So, through that lens, this app is pretty bloody perfect.

However, I'm extremely aware that it also has less than zero to do with a connected system of spiritual knowledge or even anything or anyone from India.

Whilst I was on my free trial, I spent a while searching for Indian owned yoga apps or Indian yoga videos but they didn't work in a way that suited my neorosparkly brain or they asked for way more time than I can spend each day.

So I either

- find some other type of balancing/stretching/strength activity that isn't (what one of my besties calls) colonised stretching that I won't actually do for more than a week (ask me how I know)

- go back to running (which only serves cardio)

- haul my ass to a class run by someone from a real lineage (money/time/who?)

- work out how to teach myself and make my own sequences (?)

- try and MAKE myself do something I'll find very hard to actually stick to

or… do something I don't find particularly ethical.

Add it to the list of an Evil Prime subscription, owning a car, and not hassling our landlord enough about our gas boiler?

This is what I mean by dynamic tension.

I want to be building my strength, balance and flexibility in ways that suit my brain/timetable AND I don't want to be contributing yet again to the centuries-long project of White violence.

I want to (more publicly) denounce genocides AND it helps literally no one if I lose my job or jeopardise the service I manage.

I want to be working on nurturing our medium-term work culture AND there's so much detail to deal with day-to-day.

I want to talk to the landlord about converting our gas hob so that we're not directly burning fossil fuels every meal AND I love the immediate control I have over the temperature (plus we had a terrible experience with an induction hob at our last place).

I want to nurture a human and humane team environment AND we have to operate within challenging KPIs to keep our funding.

I want to date more AND oh my god don't make me struggle through messaging so many strangers.

I want to read All The Books/knit/play jazz piano/draw/paint/make my own clothes AND I want to rest my brain at the end of the day with Grey's Anatomy reruns.

I want to knit impressive garments AND I find it wildly stressful to spend 100 hours making something that might not fit.

I want to throw my lot in with the climate crisis direct action lot AND we cannot live without my salary.

I want to give it all up to run a tiny bakery AND I want to do everything I can to bring us closer to another, better world (and we all know the bakery is just an escape fantasy lol)

Through a black and white lens, the ethics of some of these are very clear.

In practice, in our current world, it's much less straightforward.

Reminds me of when a (non-day-job) colleague came to me with a dilemma she was in, about someone she was connected to who was beginning to express some anti-trans views.

She came to me for advice, and maybe because I was tired, I ended up saying that it was up to her to decide what fitted with her feminism, what sat right with her, her spirit.

We live in a wildly confusing world. We absolutely shouldn't excuse ourselves from self-education and doing the work of anti-oppression, AND there's also a challenge in facing the truth that we often have to, at least in the short term, live within in a tension that can't be resolved.

AND we need to be conscious of who benefits from that compromise and who loses. And how that sits with our spirit.

AND how we find peace in our body and take the next wise and timely action with so many unresolvable loops.

AND how we do our best to live with integrity whilst we exist in this particular moment/the space-time continuum.

Erm.

I don't have a neat conclusion, here.

Discuss?

A question that's helping me be less anxious as a leader

When I look at what's required for us to become the kind of leaders the world needs, so much of it comes down to... feelings.

Anxiety, dread, grief, anger, overwhelm, exhaustion. All of these come up as we face the challenges of creating a new world whilst swimming in the current world. They can stop us taking the action that we need to.

I have a question/reminder that I'm experimenting with today that might be useful.

When I read Laura Van Dernoot Lipsky's work on overwhelm and secondary trauma (back when I made all those youtube videos in six weeks?), I thought becoming less overwhelmed was going to be all about systems and stuff.

But so much of what she recommends is things that increase our capacity - like, being in nature, seeing people we love, getting sleep, having a stillness practice, moving....

And I'm really really doing my best to do these things. I'm moving once or twice a day, I'm convening some queer open house spaces so we have some community, I'm doing crafts, reading more, I'm trying to turn off Grey's Anatomy and prioritise sleep.

But I come from a line of matriarchs who worried. And let's be frank, we live in an increasingly worrying world.

For me, worry and anxiety is what I feel when a part of me feels like something bad is going to happen.

I don't know about you, but I forget that that feeling of certainty doesn't actually mean I can predict the future.

So here's the reminder I'm using today:

****

You don't actually know what's going to happen. Are you opening to the present moment?

****

I don't know what's going to happen later on today, tomorrow, next week. I certainly don't know what's going to happen nationally and globally in the coming years.

But opening to the current moment will make it more likely I can take the next wise and timely action.

I've already used this reminder SEVERAL times today and I think it's helping.

How does that sit with you? What else helps you with staying out of the worst bits of worry? I'm all ears for strategies!

30 Reasons You Might Want to Improve Your Instincts In June

This Monday 1st June you can join me and 100+ people (I KNOW!) in 30 daily prompts designed to help you evolve better instincts in the middle of mess and stress.

So why the heck should you want to do this?

I came up with 30 reasons - one for each day. :)

white background new colours bold font pastel rainbow 7 elements of instincts in mess.png

1. Climate/social justice is a wildly interconnected, messy, mind-boggling situation.

We need better instincts when looking at these chaotic, volatile systems so we don’t take simplistic, harmful actions. Finding a way for everyone to be free of the hellscape that white patriarchal capitalism has created is not something that can be put on a fridge magnet.

2. Better instincts come partially from good input.

We focus on seven different aspects (or really six-plus-one) that widen the store your instincts come from. Each day there's something new to allow in.

3. We'll practice other ways of knowing things - not just from the head.

Our gut, heart and background knowing are important too.

4. It’s free.

Hello?

5. You get a cute printable journal (if that’s your kind of thing).

6. You get a cute printable poster to orient you (if that’s your kind of thing).

7. You get a tracker chart to tick off each day so you can see your progress through the month (if that’s your kind of thing).

8. There is a short weekly reflection questionnaire.

I’ll share the edited results so you can find out how others are doing.

9. This is the only time I have clear plans for us to do this as a cohort (rather than just self-study).

There’s a power in knowing you’re part of 100+ others doing the same thing at the same time.

10. Each prompt takes less than five minutes to digest.

11. You can listen to or read the daily prompt.

12. There’s a two-sentence tl:dr version of each daily prompt.

For if you really don’t have the time/energy/spoons to read or listen.

13. Once you’ve gone through the 30 days once, you can easily design your own cycle.

I’ve got a plan for us to pool our ideas about other prompts that would be useful, so you can keep it going if you find it useful.

14. I’m going to be sharing my reflections as I go through this process for the first time.

I hope that’s a benefit?

15. Each of the daily aspects we cycle through have been chosen specifically to relate to aspects that evolve in transformative leaders.

16. You get guidance on different methods to remember be aware.

Life and our mind are both really good at distracting us from being conscious, so in order to remember to be aware during the day, we need tricks and tactics. I’ll share a bunch and you can see what works.

17. You don’t need to change your day at all.

The prompt gives you a background focus for the day, but doesn’t require you fit anything else into your day (apart from the less-than-five-minute prompt.)

18. It’s nice to have someone else tell you what to do for a bit?

I mean, you're always making the decisions, right?

19. You’ll be helping to improve this for people in the future.

This is a pilot experiment, so all your feedback is like an investment in future people’s wisdom.

20. You can go really in-depth if you want.

You could use the prompts to do some full-on reflection and writing, if that’s where you’re at. Just because they don’t need much time to read/listen to, doesn’t mean you can’t go deep.

21. It’s not going to add to your overwhelm. It’ll help.

By expanding your capacity to hold more complexity.

22. It could be a great thing to do as a team.

Let your colleagues or friends know and you could all sign up and set up a WhatsApp group or whatever as an accountability group, or have some regular Zooms to process what you’re noticing.

23. You can download the audio and have it on your device.

So you can re-listen during the day (or if you repeat the full 30 days again).

24. The prompts are in ordinary language.

No jargon here.

25. There’s no catch.

I’m not building up to sales pitch!

26. It’s a way of building a habit.

27. You don’t need any background in adult development/leadership theory.

I’ve built all that in for you.

28. This is a queer, trans-led project

Er, hi! Worth saying.

29. If it’s not for you you can just ignore the emails.

Or unsubscribe if you’d like to never hear from me again!

30. The next 30 days are doing to happen anyway.

You might as well invest in Future You.

Sign up here:

megalightheart.com/betterinstincts

Email me if you have any questions: meg@megalightheart.com


How to stop refreshing your phone and start living

How to stop refreshing your phone and start living

‘Meg,’ I said, literally out loud to myself, ‘What are you doing? Stop checking your phone!’ But my thumb wouldn’t listen.

I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs. I have a very happy home life, a successful business, bake my own bread, even had a book published. I work hard at stuff and don’t think I’m someone who let’s things gets out of control very often. But I was definitely, up until the beginning of this year, in many ways, addicted to my phone.

In the queue, on the bus, definitely on the train, when someone went to order something, in the ad breaks on More4, boiling the kettle, before bed and, yes, sometimes on the loo, I would be in a refresh loop. Twitter, Instagram, Gmail, dating apps, Facebook. Around and around and around. Refresh, refresh, refresh.

Then came Digital Minimalism, which taught me: this isn’t my fault and more importantly, what to do about it.

How to get on top of things

Move beyond overwhelm to sustainable work habits that help you sleep at night with three essential ingredients

I wondered about posting this in the midst of, you know, the world burning, but I reckon whether you’re holding on to your job because capitalism, or if you’re organising for social and climate justice, you still need to know how to filter all the stuff you could be doing and decide what you’re going to do, right?

It is not straightforward knowing how to deal with the demands of complex jobs and complex lives. Overwhelm and procrastination are natural outcomes of not having systems in place to handle too much input for the tiny pipe that human beings are.

Overwhelm

Task overwhelm is when there are too many things-to-do for us to hold in our head at once. It makes it really hard to decide what to do and what not to do and can lead us to unhealthy habits: freezing, overwork, random efforts, procrastination…

Procrastination

Procrastination is when there’s something we feel like we are meant to be doing, and we are avoiding doing it on that timescale. Some of its roots are simple and some of them are complex.

I have a complicated history with ‘productivity’, ‘time management’ and procrastination.

I found myself teaching productivity but had secret, chronic, debilitating procrastination.

Many years ago, i was the internal training office at an IT training firm. I got the job because I just loved the internal training manager but she left after four months on maternity leave, leaving me as basically the internal training department.

That meant I was responsible for all the soft skills training on any topic: selection interviewing, disciplinary interviewing, assertiveness (bless), business communication, coaching… and, yes, what we used to call ‘time management’.

So, I did what I normally did and went to Borders (sob), hauled 12 books into the cafe, took notes, bought the best two and created a one-day course. It was a pick-and-mix approach, where I took loads of ‘tips’ and people could choose the ones that made sense to them, plus I nagged people about how much time they spent doing ‘urgent but not important’ things, when they should have been spending time on ‘important not urgent’ things (yeah, right). Not a coherent approach.

Several years later, I became Europe’s lead trainer for a system called Mission: Control (yes, we used to call it Mission: Impossible).

It had been a pretty static course with loads of PowerPoint so I and my mentor recreated it so it was much more dynamic and suited to British/European culture (I also de-cultified it as it came from a funny organisation).

This system was comprehensive, getting you to think about everything you had to do, wanted to do, dreamed of doing and had committed to do. It was super strict about scheduling and lists and lead me to have a portable dictaphone with me at all times so I could capture things whatever I was doing - even when driving or if I woke up in the middle of the night and thought of something.

I often spent my morning replaying scary, indecipherable whispers.

My secret during this time was: I was a chronic procrastinator.

I hid the fact I wasn’t getting stuff done - particularly stuff to do with my business, particularly sales and marketing and finance and a whole bunch of things. It lead to some dark times in our life.

I really tried to implement this system, but it was made for people who were different to me, plus: emotional stuff can’t be avoided forever (this book and this book really helped me with the darker side of procrastination.)

Fast forward to several years after that, and I was listening to Merlin Mann’s podcast Back To Work and they talked about David Allen’s book Getting Things Done and I thought it was time to get my shit together. I did a full GTD implementation - quite similar to Mission:Control, but a bit more realistic, plus, after years of meditation and therapy, I think I was a different person by this time.

It was enough to get me going and I used a half-assed-but-works-for-me version of GTD on Evernote for the past six or seven years.

A couple of years ago, I came across Bullet Journal, a way of using a paper notebook to track what needs doing and what you’ve done. I cycle between that and digital notes. I love analogue, really, despite the fact that my phone is glued to my hand at every waking moment.

I’m also immersed in reading on complexity, chaos and emergent strategy, so I’m well aware that pretending we’re robots in a factory isn’t going to fit complicated, ever-changing project-based jobs.

All this to say: I’ve looked a lot at productivity and to-do lists and procrastination and I think I’ve mainly come out the other side with some basic patterns that you can use to create a system that works for your brain and routine and job, and that can flex as things change.

(Non-neurotypical people - people with ADD/ADHD or other conditions or disabilities that affect short-term memory and your style of focusing - sorry, I’m definitely coming from a neurotypical position here. My hope is that the principles I introduce might have enough flex in them for you to adapt them to the way that you work. Let me know if there are things that would help for me to include and I’ll edit them in.)

There are three main practices that seem to be common to most systems that help you get on top of stuff.

1. Capture

2. Capacity

3. Review and reflection

1. Capture

One of the major mistakes we make when we’re swimming through the world is trying to hold everything or nearly everything in our head. (Remember, I speak as a recovering chronic procrastinator - please know I’m writing this with a major dose of self-recognition.)

Either you never make a list, or you make one for that day just to get the few things that are totally on top of your mind in front of you or you have several lists in several places.

Result: the feeling that important things might be falling through the cracks.

Also: open loops burning cycles in your brain at all times.

This is exhausting.

You want to close loops but you can’t close the loops by getting everything done. You never get to the end of your list. Not whilst you’re in work.

I think there is, however, a collective sense memory of when you finished school or university or a job and for a brief few days/weeks, you had nothing on your mental list. I have a theory we’re unconsciously chasing that feeling again. But it never comes - we think that having a bunch of unfinished stuff is bad and if we only just GOT IT TOGETHER we’d hit that halcyon task inbox zero again. But our heads always feel so FULL.

The first thing we need to do is get all that stuff out, and into, here’s the kicker, ONE place.

Yep, I’m going to be momentarily hardline and say: you need one place to capture EVERYTHING that goes through your head to do.

Life admin, work stuff, big stuff, small stuff, things you mean to do, things you dream of doing, things people request via email or slack or whatever, things to buy, send, get rid of, fix, sell, say, write, read… All of it.

This means you need what we used to call in my Mission:Control days: a capture tool. It needs to be accessible at all times and very simple to use.

That probably means: a notebook, an audio thing or an app on your phone. If you can make it work with index cards or butterfly postits where you KNOW it’s all gonna be in one place, you’re not going to lose anything and you can capture things at pretty much any moment? Go for it.

Whenever something occurs to you, you capture it.

The idea is never to hold ‘Must do x, must do x’ in your head. You know when you go ‘OH! CRAP!’ as a loop from the back of your mind leaps above the waves momentarily? You capture it RIGHT AWAY.

After a few days, the relief is massive, knowing that nothing is slipping through the cracks. (This isn’t the whole piece of getting out of overwhelm, but it’s a good first step.)

I recommend you start out with just one massive long-ass list, no topics, no sections. We can refine it later, but I think it’s important for you to only add structure in as you find you need it, not go for preemptive structure and get lost in the implementation, losing the reason you’re doing this: to be taking wise and timely action!

Lots of the productivity systems recommend that you do a massive sweep through your life which takes hours/days: go through all your emails, Slack messages, Trello tasks, pieces of paper, and transfer all the tasks onto your list. To a certain extent I’d recommend this, but don’t put it off waiting for that day when you can do it thoroughly. Up to you as you understand your psychology, but something is better than nothing.

Go for imperfect.

So that’s the first part: a massive list of things you could do.

The next thing to think about is: capacity.

2. Capacity

Stupid time/space continuum. Stupid body. We are not infinite unicorn spirits with built-in time machines. We are tiny monkeys who need to sleep. So there are human limits to what we can do. Even if you didn’t sleep, there would still only be 24 hours in a day.

I am willing to bet almost anything that the amount on your list is wa-hayyy more than the time you have available. And that’s not including what’s going to go on it tomorrow and the next day.

So the next step is to look at your capacity.

To start with capacity means: how much time do you have available to do stuff on your list?

It may be that you have a diary or a calendar and you can look at what meetings, etc are already scheduled. It may be that you’ve been holding that in your head. Or maybe you don’t have anything scheduled as you don’t really have a meeting-filled life.

Sketch out: When you start work. When you finish work. What’s already in your diary for the next few weeks.

Add up the hours. That’s how many hours you have IN THEORY. (Look at your list. Cry.)

Yes, in theory. Because there are at least four aspects I can think of off the top of my head that we need to add in.

1. Biorhythms

You are not a robot. There are times when you have more cognitive surplus and times when you have less. For me I have more mental capacity in the morning. My Golden Hour is 10.00-11.30ish. Sometimes I have a second wind at 3.30/4.30/5.30 but not always. A coaching client of mine is the opposite. She (mentally) wakes up at 4.30pm - has all her best ideas, is the most creative - so she schedules meetings in the morning and does her best to keep that time free (or talks to me *waggles eyebrows*).

Evidently, your capacity is not a simple maths problem. Some activities require more juice, some less. Each hour is not the same.

If you’re not sure, do a time/mood diary for a couple of weeks and you’ll soon find out (I used for a bit Daylio).

2. Transition time

You can’t move from one task to another without a break - not for long, anyway. There is always some attention residue that means some of your mind stays with the previous task.

Plus, if it’s a significant shift in gear, you are not a car. Your mental clutch takes more than a second to deploy (ok, whatever, I’m not mechanical, shut up you know what I mean).

For example, if you’re an introvert and you’ve just spent a bunch of time with people, you need decompress time.

If you’re moving from one project to another, you need time to reorient yourself.

3. Surprises

If you ever do a time log (yes, I would recommend it) you’ll find that a lot of your time is spent in things you just couldn’t have predicted at the beginning of the day.

Some people call them asteroids or interruptions, I call them surprises.

For example, I had someone on Mission: Control who worked on reception. She found from her time log that literally 75% of her day was unplannable so really she could only rely on maybe 90 minutes of schedule-able time a day (but her boss expected her to do, maybe, six hours…)

Your capacity is definitely affected by the amount of surprises you can realistically expect. (Yes, you can try and reduce the amount of interruptions/asteroids/distractions in your day, but best to deal with reality right now and then aspire to change things.)

4. Willpower

We use willpower whenever we don’t do what we really want to do in a given moment.

Thing is, all the research suggests we only have a limited amount of willpower and when it’s gone for the day, it’s gone. This is why I’m easily able to have a healthy breakfast, but all I want for dinner is chips and ice cream.

The only way to renew it is either sleep or (less effectively) food.

If you get on with something you’re not loving, or have to really pay attention in a meeting, or have to do something that makes you nervous but you do it anyway, or you do something that you really have to concentrate to do, or you resist checking the notifications you’re getting, or you’re trying to ignore distractions… all of those are examples of you spending your willpower.

Let me repeat: there is a limited daily amount of willpower!

If you’re in recovery, or eating differently, or have caring responsibilities, or are dealing with a less-than-conducive working or living environment, you’re already spending some of your budget just living. This also counts if you’re a Person of Colour, trans, disabled, or have another marginalised identity and you’re navigating this world not built for you.

So it can be a helpful idea to think about a willpower budget in your day. Look at your day as it is spread ahead of you and think:

What is going to require me to be focused or what am I going to have to really get myself in a particular mindset to do?

Are you being realistic about what inner resources are available to you?

If you’re not getting good enough sleep, or you’re working on a different lifestyle challenge or you’re really having to wade through hard stuff in the rest of your life, well, you’re already spending some of your willpower outside of work, so you may need to be compassionate to yourself about how much you can get done in the rest of the day.

This is why you used to be able to do a thing with a level of ability, but you just don’t seem to be able to do it like that right now. YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT.

This concept is also linked to the idea of Deep Work - the ability and habit of spending chunks of 90 minutes or longer totally absorbed in one task without distractions. With our fractured, notification-addict way of approaching things, we are training ourselves out of the ability to do this and it’s where a lot of our ‘real’ value-add work comes from, often.

3. Review and Reflection

So, you’ve got your list and you’ve got capacity.

Now what?

Review

There is no magic formula for this - you have to review what you want to get done, what has to get done and what capacity you have to do that work - and then consider if you need to lower your expectations based on your capacity.

A major guiding principle here is that you are probably overcommitted so much that even if you didn’t sleep and you were an unwavering automaton you’d still not get it all done.

So a big part of being a person who gets things done is deciding what you’re not going to do: today, tomorrow, this week, next week, not for a long time, ever.

You might find this article on having a F**ks I Give List helpful to decide on big-chunk priorities.

It can be a really good discipline to keep a time log - making note of what you’re actually spending your time on and when - so you can review what your intentions were and what actually happened. Not in a punitive way, but as a clear-eyed picture of what happens in your day.

You can just have a page in a notebook with the half-hour segments and set a reminder on your phone or whatever to fill it in. You could also use an app like Daylio for this.

A question I ask myself is: What is the open loop that most needs closing right now?

Other possible questions are:

  • What task has the biggest ramifications if I don’t complete it today?

  • What will I be most relieved to get done today?

  • What am I neglecting that could do with some attention?

  • What will Future Me be glad I did today?

  • What is the wisest action right now?

  • What would be the next step on this project?

  • What's the cold porridge on my list, that’s only going to get more congealed if I leave it? (Nicked that from a coaching client)

In combination, of course, with:

  • What do I realistically have capacity for, bearing in mind my energy levels, environment and motivation?

List buckets

It may be that you need to start sorting your list into a couple of different buckets.

Maybe you need categories like:

  • Needs doing in the next week or so (this one has to be done in combination with the question of capacity and with your diary in front of you)

  • Doesn’t need doing in the next couple of weeks

  • Probably not going to happen for at least a year/is a dream I don’t want to forget

It’s cool to copy things onto a ‘list for today’ as long as everything is still captured in your master list. Pay attention to tension in your body though - are you being honest about your capacity today or is there an internal dialogue that says ‘Well, that has to get done today, so I’ll have to find time, I’ll just be super-focused,’ when the truth is that you’re only going to get half of it done and you need to have some awkward conversations with people?

Difficult conversations are actually an important part of getting clear with your work habits.

The part of us that says ‘yes’ to things is often not in contact with the part that knows capacity. Also if you’re being assigned tasks, no one else has as clear a picture of your capacity as you do.

A coaching client of mine talked about her inner labrador who just said yes if the project sounded interesting or exciting.

When she came to me she was in theory working 8 days a week for different clients! Just having a view of her capacity (a really simple monthly planner, in her case) helped her to have more nuanced conversations, and she learned to set expectations better.

The decision to commit to doing something has to be based on more than just a feeling - you are a human with human limits (dammit) and also with a swirling set of priorities, only some of which will be visible to other people who want you to do stuff for them.

And probably you’re way overcommitted now, so looking honestly at what’s on your plate vs your capacity probably means that you’ll need to get clear with other people.

Estimate time

The other part of review is looking at complex things on your list, maybe breaking them down into smaller tasks, and estimating how long they’re going to take. Humans are notoriously rubbish at estimating how long something will take. Mostly we err on underestimating (apart from things we dread, which we sometimes overestimate - ever had that thing where you finally get around to doing something you’ve been putting off and go ‘Well, that was a lot simpler than I expected!’? That.)

I know it doesn’t feel like you have space to leave space in your diary, but the truth is that things will take longer than you expect so often you have to rejig your day (and therefore tomorrow and the day after) based on surprises or based on the fact that something took much longer than anticipated. A plan is just a place to start.

So reviewing your situation daily and weekly is super-important. And don’t say you don’t have time - seriously, the gains are huge from getting more conscious, even if it feels uncomfortable at times.

Reflection

I think of reflection as a bit more in-depth than review - more like something you do a bit more globally to go, ‘How’s it all working?’

Questions:

  • In what ways is this system working and in what ways does it not suit my working day/brain/personality/current demands?

  • Is my way of capturing working, or is it getting fragmented (including: Am I holding things in my head that aren’t captured on my central list)?

  • Is my way of estimating capacity working? Am I underestimating or overestimating my daily capacity?

  • Is my way of reviewing working?

  • What could I do to give myself more capacity? Can I change when I do things, where I do them, how I do them?

  • What has worked in the past for me that maybe I could start doing again?

  • Are there conversations I need to have with people?

  • How much ease do I feel in my body, looking at my list and my schedule?

  • Am I sleeping, eating, drinking enough water, exercising, having enough time with others/on my own?

So there you go.

If we’re going to get stuff done in the world, we need to know how to get stuff done, but in a way that really works in a sustainable way.

Take time to think about these three aspects and make a system that works for you and get out into the world, doing what needs to be done.

A 90-second script to help people state their pronouns in a group

If you want to make a space feel safer for trans and non-binary people, getting people to declare their pronouns along with their name is a good start. This is exactly what I say when I’m kicking off a new group to make this happen.

You’re doing this because

  • it’s great role modelling for other people to copy you in other groups

  • if you’re cis (not trans), it’s such a relief for the trans/non-binary people in the room to not have to lead this conversation

  • there have been several times I’ve realised I would have guessed someone’s gender wrongly and I’ve been very grateful I’ve put this in place

  • even if there are no surprises, you’re signalling that this is a space where trans and non-binary people are to be respected.

I’m not going to do a bunch of context-setting, as I want you to see how the words stand on their own. Feel free to adapt to your context.

It goes:

  1. Pronouns

  2. Why

  3. They/them

  4. Demonstration

Script for introducing pronouns to a group

“Let’s start by going round and introducing ourselves.

[What are pronouns?]

So, say your name, and also your pronouns — when people refer to you, do they say:

she/her?

he/him?

they/them?

or something else?

[Why is this important?]

We need to create spaces that are inclusive of trans and non-binary people. It’s important that we state our pronouns as we are essentially guessing people’s gender (and therefore their pronouns) all the time by the way they look, how they dress, what their voice sounds like, and so on.

Most of the time we get it right, but sometimes we guess wrong and then it becomes awkward for the person to correct us.

Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry about to use they/them pronouns.

Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry about to use they/them pronouns.

[They/them pronouns]

So there’s she/her, he/him and also they/them because some people don’t identify as either male or female (they don’t identify with either side of the gender binary, so they are non-binary) so they may use they/them prounouns.

We actually use they/them to refer to individuals a lot, we just don’t tend to notice..

If you’ve ever watched The Great British Bake Off, in the Technical round the bakers’ bakes are judged anonymously. The judges say things like, ‘This baker needed to leave their cake in the oven another ten minutes. They needed to make their ganache smoother. They’ve been a bit heavy-handed with the icing here’ or whatever.

Similarly, if we found a phone or a random set of keys, we would say ‘Oh gosh, I hope they come back and get them. They must be so worried.’ We wouldn’t say ‘I hope he or she comes back and gets them.’

We use ‘they’ to refer to a singular person all the time.

[Demonstration.]

So go around and say your name, and your pronouns. Are you she/her, he/him, they/them (or something else)?

I’ll go first.

My name’s Meg. My pronouns are she/her.”

Simple, right?

Notes:

  • I do all of this in a very matter-of-fact, and actually at quite a brisk pace (hence some of the rather long sentences!). I’ve tried to show where I put emphasis, too.

  • Obviously, if Bake Off isn’t a reference that works in your culture, either put in a different show or just skip it altogether and go with the phone/keys thing.

  • Sometimes, people run out of steam part of the way through, so if someone doesn’t say their pronouns, just smile and say ‘And what are your pronouns?’

A little-known awareness practice for evolving leaders

Try this mindfulness practice to grow your capacity to face complexity and mess.

I’ve been practicing a particular type of awareness practice for the past few weeks and thought I’d share my notes from the field.

It comes from the work of Bill Torbert, who writes and teaches about Action Inquiry and the Seven Transformations of Leadership. His model has been really useful to me as a leadership coach not as a typology of personality types but as a guide to the tectonic shifts that (can) happen in adult life as we (potentially) evolve our capability to take wise and timely action in the face of complexity, uncertainty and mess.

Action Inquiry is about growing the ability to see that every action is an inquiry, an experiment, and how we can, rather than separate them, develop the consciousness to be take action and reflect at the same time.

One suggestion that Bill makes for cultivating this awareness is to practice paying attention to the ‘four territories of experience’.

awarenessleaderspic.jpg

Here’s how I frame the practice:

Outside

Body

Inside

Up

Outside — What can I see and hear? What’s happening around me right now? What are others doing and saying?

Body — What’s happening with my body? How am I breathing? What’s going on in terms of comfort and discomfort?

Inside — What am I thinking and feeling?

Up — What are my intentions right now?

Here’s how I remember

I got the MindBell app and set it to go off every 20 minutes or so from 8am to 8pm. It has a lovely gentle, but audible sound that was just right for me.

You have to set it so it doesn’t get shut off by your battery optimisation settings — a couple of times I noticed it hadn’t gone off all day and my efficient Android had put it to sleep.

You can also get it to pause for a set time if you’re going into a meeting or (more likely for me) having a nap. I don’t bother turning it off much anymore. If it goes off in a workshop or something, I just go, ‘Oh, that’s my mindfulness bell’ and that seems to make sense to people who know me?

Here’s what each territory does for me

I’ve tried for YEARS to remember throughout the day to be conscious (I actually don’t love the word ‘mindful’ as it’s totally been stolen from its Buddhist roots and I’m not a Buddhist either so, there’s THAT). I’ve been meditating every day for 15 years, and we’re meant to bring our attention back to a certain part of energy throughout the day. I still regularly go through entire days (weeks) where I forget, despite having the best of intentions when I come out of meditation in the morning.

This practice seems to have done something different — maybe because it’s so… complex? thorough?

Each part is important.

Outside

What can I see and hear?

I’m sitting in my house looking at the garden, eating dinner with the people I love.

I’m in Manchester at a trans festival.

I’m sitting on the bus, typing about stuff I care about on my Mac.

I’m washing up watching Grey’s Anatomy.

I’m reading a fab sci-fi book in my super-comfy bed.

This question surprises me a lot by making me wake up in my life and be grateful.

It either reminds me that everything is, generally, fine in that moment or that, actually, it’s more than fine.

I’ve realised in the past few weeks that I’m living aspects of my life that I longed for years ago. That things are genuinely not bad.

Note: Not just looking around me, but hearing the sounds is also particularly powerful at bringing me into the moment.

Body

What’s going on in my body? What am I doing and saying?

This often helps me realise: I’m hungry, I’m sitting with bad posture, I’m dehydrated, I need the loo… basically I’ve been ignoring something my body has been telling me for several, sometimes tens of, minutes.

Sometimes I notice the physical symptoms of an emotion. I’m swirly in my belly or my heart’s beating fast. Noticing this as a physical symptom gives some space to the feeling, sometimes.

Note: Just realising as I’m typing this that the doing/saying part has often been prompted by the ‘outside’ question.

Inside

What am I thinking and feeling?

This is a super important question, as I often come to notice that I’m actually feeling anxious (that’s my habitual emotional groove) — many times about something that happened minutes (sometimes tens of minutes) ago and I’ve stopped noticing.

It’s also a joy when I notice that I’m feeling steady and content.

Note: It tells you something about me that I don’t think I notice what I’m thinking very much, just what I’m feeling. Your mileage may vary, obvs.

Up

What is my intention right now?

This has been, I think, one of the most powerful questions at resetting me.

For example, the bell went off yesterday when I was sitting with my people eating lunch and watching a problematic old Will and Grace episode. When it got to ‘What’s my intention?’ I realised that my intention was to have a break.

I had been, however, thinking about work and slightly tensing to be ready for The Next Thing. When I reconnected with having a break, I softened into the moment.

This question works even when I haven’t set an intention. In the moment I get to decide on an intention.

I’m doing my exercises for planning my next six months of my business. What’s my intention? To feel clear and coherent about what I’m going to be doing.

I’m emailing meetups about potentially speaking. What’s my intention? Oh, yeah, getting more speaking gigs which I love.

I’m on Twitter. What’s my intention? Oh, yeah, to be holding a coherent energy online.

Pretty much every time this question connects me to something bigger, more expansive, more coherent, more conscious.

Super super helpful.

Warning: Awareness practices are NOT easy

Two pieces of advice.

1. Actually ask yourself the questions

I find I get the most mileage when I ask myself the questions with my inner voice. Like, with words.

As a long-term meditator, I’ve learned to distrust practices that are very ‘mind-y’, that operate from Ordinary Mental Consciousness.

But this one seems to benefit from being explicit and overt, not just from a wordless place. There are times when I do it just ‘sensing’ the four territories at once, which I suppose is maybe the goal? But it seems like a step too far, right now.

2. Keep coming back

I’ve spent years trying to be aware of my awareness during the day, but the mind wants to distract you, and life, especially modern life, is built to conspire with it.

I did ok with this experiment for a couple of days, what with New Project Enthusiasm and all, but even then it was maybe five or six times a day (remember the bell was going off every 20 minutes for a 12 hour stretch!).

Some days I hear the bell and go, ‘Oh, that’s the awareness bell’ but don’t do the practice.

Sometimes, most times if I’m honest, I hear the bell and don’t do anything at all.

So don’t beat yourself up if this doesn’t come ‘naturally’ or it doesn’t ‘work’. You have to keep coming back to it again and again.

As Natalie Goldberg, the famous Zen writing instructor says,

‘You don’t drink just one glass of water. You drink glass of water after glass of water.’

Give it a go. And keep giving it a go.

And let me know how you get on?

Why you need a ‘F**ks I Give’ list (NSFW)

Life is huge. You are finite. Boundaries are needed.

FucksIGive.jpg

(This post is a bit sweary - definitely Not Safe For Work.)

One of my people started reading a book about giving less of a fuck about stuff and the concept certainly appealed to me. I have pretty porous boundaries sometimes (especially when people I care about are feeling less than positive) and I get climate and Planet Pain Paralysis very easily.

I also run my own business, am great at starting new things, and care a lot about a lot of things.

I couldn’t get on with the book that he’d chosen — just felt harsh to me. A couple of days later I had an afternoon in Manchester and was working from the cafe in Waterstones. I picked up a similar book, written by a very different author, and (sorry author royalties) skimmed the whole thing in an hour.

It was nicely written and had very clear instructions, but seemed to be about stopping caring about stuff that I didn’t care about in the first place. Baby showers and co-workers charity appeals. My boundary issues are a bit deeper than that!

It did prompt me, however, to make a list of what I do, actually, give a fuck about.

Somehow it makes it easier for me to know what I do care about, and exclude everything else, than the other way around. Maybe the same will be true for you?

So I got a piece of paper and wrote ‘Fucks I Give’ in the middle and started a mind map.

First off came: Work and Money, Relationships, Friends, Being Myself, Social Justice and Climate Crisis as my big categories.

I quickly went into more detail on each.

For example, Work and Money included Clients, Ex-Clients and Resonance Momentum (Who likes ‘marketing’? Yuck. My coaching clients find me because they resonate with me and my work.)

Resonance Momentum goes down to: videos, Medium posts (hi!), website, contacting people, cups of tea, monthly public/private leadership group (in the planning stages).

Under Friends I noted down my super closest people, then literally went through my phone/Facebook and made sure I didn’t miss anyone else I truly give a fuck about in a big ol’ list.

Chunking down from the freeze-overwhelming categories like Climate Crisis was key. What do I actually give a fuck about?

I realised I cared about: supporting the Doughnut Economics project, writing, working with leaders in climate organisations, and convening groups. Some of that is aspirational, some of it current.

Social justice was: reading, writing, amplifying and convening.

I soon hived off Being Myself onto a new page as that corner was getting a little crowded!

Being Myself lead to

  • Transition

  • Fitness

  • Sex

  • Wellbeing

  • Therapy

  • Magical/Spiritual stuff.

Transition was: voice stuff, clothes, medical, talking to trans friends and being in the thick of trans community.

Wellbeing included:

  • cooking

  • bookshops

  • being near or on water

  • reading

  • writing craft

  • languages

  • naps

  • talking to friends

  • sex

  • queer community

  • making/listening to music

  • hanging out with my people.

See how it works?

It’s so comforting to look at a spread of two pages and see, ‘Yep, that’s everything’.

The Fucks I Give list serves as a reminder of things I might be neglecting, and reinforces that if I’m spending time on any of this, I’m spending my fucks (and therefore this one wild and precious life) wisely.

It also hones your ability to judge ‘Am I just putting that in out of duty?’ If the energy of some things doesn’t feel coherent with the rest of the items, they don’t go up.

I figure this is a work in progress and I’ll come back to it as I and my life changes.

Feels solid. Coherent. Has boundaries.

What are you waiting for?

What do you give a fuck about? Make a list!

Realising I was trans has saved my life

Name: Meg Amber Lightheart

Pronouns: She/her

I’ve had a sense of melancholy since I was a kid. Whilst never genuinely thinking of doing anything drastic, if you’d offered me a choice, I’d have preferred to not be alive.

Always thought it was just existential ennui.

On the 4th March, it literally went, and hasn’t come back.

I searched Impact Hub Brum’s What’sApp group and turns out I put a message in on 23rd March 2016 about experimenting with my gender expression (‘think Eddie Izzard, not Caitlyn Jenner’ - bless).

Then last year I went to Trans Vegas in Manchester, organised by Trans Creative, Kate O’Donnell, a festival by trans people for trans people. As well as hearing the incredible CN Lester sing, I met Kate, Juno Roche, Kate Hutchinson, Charlie Craggs and Kuchenga.

Here were a bunch of trans women who seemed to be living their lives and were comfy in their skin. 

I weaselled my way into the speaker dinner on the first night and was able to be part of a conversation with other trans people like I’d never had before. Me in my dress and my beard, living my best non-binary life.

The next day, saw Kuchenga interview Charlie about her book To My Trans Sisters. I stood at the back of the room sobbing, feeling a shift in my bodysoul, a deep sense of recognition.

I walked up to Kuchenga in tears afterwards and said, ‘I think I might be a girl.’ 

‘Ok. I’m with you,’ she said. And ever since she has been. She also called me ‘sis’ and it was like a deep pool of longing just opened up in me.

Flash forward six or seven months of conversations with my people and I realised I needed to work out exactly what I wanted, separate from other people. I then spent a couple of months talking to a lovely therapist who specialises in talking to trans people.

Two things happened.

I had messed up my timings and was in Brum town centre for my phone therapy appointment, so ended up wandering around Pigeon Park, the busy grounds of the cathedral. We’d been exploring authenticity and Marianne The Therapist asked me ‘If you’d woken up this morning the most authentically you, would you be wearing these clothes and would you be using these pronouns?’

Everything in me said ‘No.’

The second thing was I was reading The Art of Being Normal, by Lisa Williamson. I was reading the end on the 4th March, having breakfast with Zed and Dan. The end is pretty happy for the trans girl main character and that happy ending just BROKE me. I sobbed and sobbed.

It lead to a big conversation where I realised my last worries about transitioning were about Zed and Dan’s reactions. They assured me that they loved me and fully supported me and wouldn’t be embarrassed or disgusted or anything else my mind was scaring me with.

Somewhere between first and second breakfast, I made the decision that I wanted to pursue a binary transition.

And the melancholy just WENT. It’s gone. My whole life just lines up, so much of my childhood (and adulthood to be honest) makes sense, and I want to be alive. I am alive.

In the past few weeks I’ve been telling my close people, all of whom have been so wonderful, including my Mum (who sent me a card),  my Dad (who said he felt relieved and only wanted me to be happy) and my Auntie June, my Nan’s sister (who said she must be a witch because she’s been waiting for someone to tell her since I changed my name to its most recent incarnation).

Meg Amber

I was off work on Wednesday which led me to going through name list websites to see which names pinged. I’d been pretty sure it would be Amber, but wanted to check to see if there was a name I hadn’t thought of. Arwen was a popular contender on my Facebook wall, but I’m not really a graceful elf.

It was Zed who said ‘Have you thought about books you love?’ which was his sneaky way of getting me to think of A Wrinkle In Time (he quickly left the room and got busy doing something APPARENTLY.)

A Wrinkle In Time was my favourite book in my childhood and formed a lot of my morality. I always identified with Meg, the awkward girl who didn’t believe in herself but found courage to fight the shadow and the dark.

It feels so good to be called Meg, so good I can’t believe it’s actually allowed. I’ve kept Amber as a middle name as (a) I do love it and (b) it gives me the social media handle of MEGALIGHTHEART.

Today on #TransDayOfVisibility, I’ve changed my name by deed poll so it’s reeeaaal.

I’m having laser hair removal on my face once a month to stop the hair growing and I’m exploring hormones. Everything else is up for exploration and, well, pretty private really. Happy for you to ask any questions you have by private message/email - if I think they are relevant to everyone, I’ll post things about them.

Tl;dr: I’m a girl and happier than I’ve been since I was a kid. 

#TDOV #TDOV2019

20 questions to explore your relationship with hope

Exploring hope

After reading about Brexit and the insects and all that, I was feeling pretty lacking in hope.

So on Wednesday night at the Circle of Curious Complexity face-to-face meetup, we started a month of exploring hope and what it is. (The Circle is free and open to everyone with their feet on the ground and their eye on the horizon. The physical meetups are in Birmingham, UK, but you can participate online by writing or creating on the monthly theme - tag me in! - or just using the theme to reflect.)

After each person checked in with their mood and reason for coming (obvs!), I placed a card with ‘HOPE’ written on it and we stood in the room where our body wanted to place ourselves in connection with it. (Thanks to my pal Rachel Donath for introducing me to the the world of embodied learning - finding out what our bodies know that our minds don’t. We added this after an experiment last month with time.)

Two people stood quite close to the card - one on the left, indicating their politics - and said that hope was present for them, and that it was what gets them out of bed. Another person sat far away and a bit sideways on: ‘I know hope is over there and I see it, but I’m not very close to it’.

I stood as far as I could get and kind of squinted at hope in suspicion. At least I didn’t turn my back or walk out of the room, I suppose…

We then gathered and, in true #CircleofCC style, wrote questions that might help us to explore our relationship with hope.

20 Questions to explore your relationship with hope

  1. Is hope the same as desire?

  2. Is hope always in the future?

  3. What links hope and faith/trust?

  4. What’s the difference between hope and belief? If I’m in a hole and someone jumps in to help me, do I hope they can help or do I want to believe they can help?

  5. How do we hope in the face of enormity and overwhelm?

  6. Does hope need to be based on something concrete?

  7. If hope were to go missing, how you salvage your relationship?

  8. Do you carry hope, and how much does it weigh?

  9. Are there different levels of hope?

  10. Is it more meaningful/useful to think about purpose?

  11. How do we take action when we are hopeless?

  12. What is the opposite of hope?

  13. Is hope created from intentions?

  14. What or who personifies hope for you? If how were a mythical character/theme what would it be?

  15. Is hope just a feeling?

  16. What are you expecting hope to do for you?

  17. Why do we need hope?

  18. Where has hope been in your life?

  19. Does someone else’s relationship with hope change yours?

  20. If I wish really really hard, where does it become hope?

We did not talk about all these questions but even laying some of them out on the table helped us to map what hope is for us.

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Hope is a flimsy basis for action

The main dingdingding for me was realising that, in a way, hope is just a feeling, which makes it kind of a flimsy basis for continuing action. If I can’t take action when I feel devoid of hope, then the change I want to see in the world definitely won’t happen.

It’s maybe more beneficial to think about purpose or meaning. Yes, it’s important to focus partially on ‘What change do I want to see in the world?’ but also ‘What kind of person do I want to be in times of crisis? What am I actually here for?’

Weirdly, ignoring whether something seems likely or not (one basis for the feeling of ‘hope’) means I’m more able to take action which, paradoxically, may make the outcome more probable. See what I mean?

We also discussed how infectious hope or hopelessness is - and how maybe we should talk more about where we are hopeful.

At the end of the meetup, I stood nearer to hope, but kind of side-on to it. I see hope as a bit of a red herring, now. Something that’s far too ephemeral and out of our control to focus on. Purpose/meaning/being seems more robust.

Of course, this has left me feeling more hopeful than I have for months.

27 writing prompts to explore your relationship with time

At the Circle of Curious Complexity in January we explored our relationship with time.

We all came up with some questions that would help the conversation and only got through five of them.

So here they all are in case you want to use them as a start point for thinking or creating something.

27 writing prompts to explore your relationship with time

  1. Are we running out of time?

  2. If you cannot remember an event, did it exist?

  3. How do you slow time down?

  4. Imagine time as a packet of Skittles. What could each colour represent? Is there a dominant colour in the packet?

  5. Do our children inherit memories?

  6. What was your favourite age? What if you could go back?

  7. How is time distributed in the home?

  8. How do you decide what to do?

  9. What are the times and places where time feels like your enemy… or your friend?

  10. If we enjoy a ‘timewaster’ is the time wasted?

  11. “I don’t have time.” An unwillingness to make time, or a sensible gatekeeping of a limited resource?

  12. Have you ever experienced the Mandela effect?

  13. If death is certain and the time of death is certain, what is the right thing?

  14. How do you know it’s the right time?

  15. Is time consumable? How can we measure this?

  16. How much does the past matter?

  17. How do the seasons influence how you feel about time?

  18. Time is a gift. Who deserves your gifts?

  19. Where does time come from?

  20. Can you put a value on an hour?

  21. Would you ever go a day without looking at a clock to know what time it is?

  22. Do you worry about how much time you have left?

  23. What is your most loved possession?

  24. Have you ever experienced deja vu?

  25. How do you feel about legacy and things lasting after you?

  26. How do you feel about time?

  27. Imagine time as a town. The present is home. How often do you visit other places in the town? What’s the furthest you’ve travelled?

If you write/create anything with these, tag me in and/or use #circleofcc and I’ll let other Circlers know. :)